Most of us have had experience of the manager who storms into your office to tell you, often in no uncertain terms, what has gone wrong and how he, or she, wants you to fix it. Without discussion or negotiation, you are instructed what to do, how it must be done, and by when. When he, or she, has gone, you may sit wondering why this is a problem at all or smiling to yourself because you have already fixed it, or because you can see that the solution you have been given will not work. Even if the proposed solution is workable, your commitment to it will be questionable at best.

This authoritarian, tell, style of managing is often thought to be the toughest style. But is it really? Who has done all the talking? More importantly, who has done all the thinking? Being told what to do is a soft option compared to working out for yourself what you should do. And letting a solution you have been given, fail, is a much softer option than taking responsibility for your own solution to a problem.

Holding someone properly to account for their behaviour requires that you engage the person in a dialogue during which they contribute their view of the situation, share in the intellectual work of finding a solution, and then accept responsibility for putting it in place. It is the only way they will grow and develop to the point where they can operate competently and independently. How do you make it happen?

It all rests on your ability to make conversations safe for others to speak up. People around you may have become accustomed to your providing all the information and ideas in every conversation, and treating anything offered by others, with contempt. In that case it may take some time for you to assure them that you DO want to hear what they have to say and to build up trust enough for them to feel safe in being open about what they think.

If you are reviewing a performance problem with an employee, open the conversation by describing the facts of the situation, without exaggeration and without blame. If the problem is recurring and has been discussed before, then the person should be faced with the fact that they have previously committed to resolving the problem and have clearly not done so. Not only does the original problem still exist. Now there is a second problem, their failure to meet a commitment. At this point it may be appropriate to explain how strongly you feel about the situation.

Having put your view on the table, it is time to ask the other person how they see things. Then listen very carefully. Take your time. Acknowledge what you have heard. Check that you have understood properly.

When you feel that you have got to the bottom of the problem, start to look for possible solutions, by first ASKING the other person for their ideas. Do not start by TELLING them what you think should be done! Try to build your own ideas onto the ones that are offered.

If what you are hearing is very different from what you would like to hear, listen some more. Is there anything you can use in what is being offered to you? Could there be aspects of the situation that you have overlooked? Are there implications you did not think of? Keep reminding yourself that you do not have all the information or all the answers all of the time. It might be hard to accept, but the very best solution is the one to which the person responsible for making it work, is fully committed.

Next time you want to get tough with someone, try this approach. First TELL them the facts of the situation, ASK how they see it; then ASK for their ideas on solving it. Obtain their commitment to implementing the solution; then hold them to it.

Now that is a tough management style!